This did not happen. Instead, i lay there for 10 minutes, my mind racing with thoughts about everything, and finally i just said "fuck it" and decided to write my musings down, thinking that maybe if i purged my thoughts i would finally be able to take my nap.
Instead i ended up writing 5 pages worth of something i'm not quite sure what to call, only to realize upon finishing that it was time for my next class. so no nap for me :(
i'm bored now and i'm gonna put it all on here. make of it what you will. i'm not really quite sure what i think of it, or how to react, if i should at all...
What bothers me MOST about my "disease":
is not that I am sick.
I realize that I seem to have put myself in this place.
I accept the fact that I am a self-loathing, yet oddly somewhat vain, individual.
No, the thing that bothers me MOST
is that I don't LOOK as sick as I FEEL.
Bulimia has ripped my insides to shreds,
my core is damaged, hurt, twisted,
my mind is maimed, warped, and drained.
Yet my shell, my skin, my appearance
is "normal." "healthy." "sane."
All I wish is to look as sick as I feel.
Thinness, beauty, acceptance
is NOT what I strive for.
I want people to see how diseased I really am.
I want to be so thin that people worry, not admire.
I want people to see, somehow;
That every time I stand up the world spins
and I feel like i may pass out.
That I can't sleep because all I hear while lying in bed
is my heart loudly pounding at an irregular beat.
Maybe, then, I AM just an
attention-seeking "little" shit.
Am I WORTH the attention?
If no one sees me when I'm healthy
or even when I LOOK healthy,
what makes me think that anyone will take notice
once I'm sickly thin, or even on my death bed?
What's so great about the attention anyways?
Would I want the help if someone offered?
If someone recognized my PAIN,
would I really want it to just DISAPPEAR?
Or would I rather disappear myself?
(Is that what I'm trying to do now?)
I'm trying to understand this all,
but the more I look into it, analyze it,
critique my irrational thinking,
the more I want to just sink farther into my disease.
Maybe once I LOOK the part,
someone will try to analyze it for me.
Maybe once I LOOK diseased,
I will finally be able to relinquish
some of my "responsibility" for this disease.
Everybody talks about this "ED" guy
like he's some crazy, deranged, stalker
that invades your mind like a parasite,
some foreign virus attacking your psyche...
Am I deranged?
Because for some reason I've come to the conclusion
that this disease lies within ME;
That i choose every day whether or not
I'm going to strive to be sick
(i usually, no scratch that, ALWAYS, side with the "sick").
That every time I eat my entire stores of food,
giving into gluttony, and purge my body of all evidence
I am purging away MY OWN sanity.
I want more than anything
for my body to reflect this insanity,
this sickness, these irrational thoughts.
It's not that I feel thin,
I'm not "good enough" to be thin...
But maybe if i were thin, SICKLY THIN,
people would recognize my pain.
I don't even try to appear happy or healthy anymore...
My appearance makes people assume.
Maybe humanity is just too vain in that aspect.
...Maybe I'm trying to prove a point,
choosing this disease.
Maybe in my rational mind I realize
and hate the fact that
so much of how people judge others
relies on our outward appearance...
If I can look normal and healthy,
and yet be so much the antithesis
of what other people see me as
maybe I'm trying to say something;
like my disease is my silent message to the world.
No one will ever hear it, recognize it,
or ever really care.
But I hear myself, loud and clear.
Do I want others to hear?
To realize my insanity?
To try to understand it?
If only I understood it myself...
The odd thing is:
My rational mind wants to understand it,
wants to know why and how
this disease became and is such
a large part of my life.
Yet part of me thinks
that if I start to understand it,
I will only be asking to get rid of it.
Like once I have this grasp of why I do what I do,
and how I got this way,
I'll start to get better.
I'll start to get FATTER.
I'll start to become more HEALTHY.
and I'll start to match my exterior.
... I don't think that I want that just yet.
No, I DEFINITELY don't want that yet. At all.
dammit, i wish i could just
turn off my fucking mind
for just a few seconds.
and take a nap.
a REALLY LONG nap.
is not that I am sick.
I realize that I seem to have put myself in this place.
I accept the fact that I am a self-loathing, yet oddly somewhat vain, individual.
No, the thing that bothers me MOST
is that I don't LOOK as sick as I FEEL.
Bulimia has ripped my insides to shreds,
my core is damaged, hurt, twisted,
my mind is maimed, warped, and drained.
Yet my shell, my skin, my appearance
is "normal." "healthy." "sane."
All I wish is to look as sick as I feel.
Thinness, beauty, acceptance
is NOT what I strive for.
I want people to see how diseased I really am.
I want to be so thin that people worry, not admire.
I want people to see, somehow;
That every time I stand up the world spins
and I feel like i may pass out.
That I can't sleep because all I hear while lying in bed
is my heart loudly pounding at an irregular beat.
Maybe, then, I AM just an
attention-seeking "little" shit.
Am I WORTH the attention?
If no one sees me when I'm healthy
or even when I LOOK healthy,
what makes me think that anyone will take notice
once I'm sickly thin, or even on my death bed?
What's so great about the attention anyways?
Would I want the help if someone offered?
If someone recognized my PAIN,
would I really want it to just DISAPPEAR?
Or would I rather disappear myself?
(Is that what I'm trying to do now?)
I'm trying to understand this all,
but the more I look into it, analyze it,
critique my irrational thinking,
the more I want to just sink farther into my disease.
Maybe once I LOOK the part,
someone will try to analyze it for me.
Maybe once I LOOK diseased,
I will finally be able to relinquish
some of my "responsibility" for this disease.
Everybody talks about this "ED" guy
like he's some crazy, deranged, stalker
that invades your mind like a parasite,
some foreign virus attacking your psyche...
Am I deranged?
Because for some reason I've come to the conclusion
that this disease lies within ME;
That i choose every day whether or not
I'm going to strive to be sick
(i usually, no scratch that, ALWAYS, side with the "sick").
That every time I eat my entire stores of food,
giving into gluttony, and purge my body of all evidence
I am purging away MY OWN sanity.
I want more than anything
for my body to reflect this insanity,
this sickness, these irrational thoughts.
It's not that I feel thin,
I'm not "good enough" to be thin...
But maybe if i were thin, SICKLY THIN,
people would recognize my pain.
I don't even try to appear happy or healthy anymore...
My appearance makes people assume.
Maybe humanity is just too vain in that aspect.
...Maybe I'm trying to prove a point,
choosing this disease.
Maybe in my rational mind I realize
and hate the fact that
so much of how people judge others
relies on our outward appearance...
If I can look normal and healthy,
and yet be so much the antithesis
of what other people see me as
maybe I'm trying to say something;
like my disease is my silent message to the world.
No one will ever hear it, recognize it,
or ever really care.
But I hear myself, loud and clear.
Do I want others to hear?
To realize my insanity?
To try to understand it?
If only I understood it myself...
The odd thing is:
My rational mind wants to understand it,
wants to know why and how
this disease became and is such
a large part of my life.
Yet part of me thinks
that if I start to understand it,
I will only be asking to get rid of it.
Like once I have this grasp of why I do what I do,
and how I got this way,
I'll start to get better.
I'll start to get FATTER.
I'll start to become more HEALTHY.
and I'll start to match my exterior.
... I don't think that I want that just yet.
No, I DEFINITELY don't want that yet. At all.
dammit, i wish i could just
turn off my fucking mind
for just a few seconds.
and take a nap.
a REALLY LONG nap.
8 comments:
Hey there, I'm Sue. I've been watching your videos for a while now and all I can say is that your taking the words right out of my mouth! Esp with what you just wrote - right on. I feel the exact same way. Only difference is that I've been in therapy for 8 years and I haven't changed at all! Is it cause I don't want to? Who knows, but you hit the nail on the head and I couldn't agree more or be more confused right along with you! Everyday is a constant struggle with do I dive deeper or try to get better? So I stay the same because getting better scares me and I never became "sick" enough to show my pain. Ugh!
I can say I understand what you're going thru, cuzs I have Bulimia for 8yrs. i want to know why I do this to myself. Why I can't sleep at night, because my mind is racing. I'm not underweight so no one sees my pain. Maybe if I were stick thin, then people will start to realize the pain I go thru everyday.
I watched all your video, and they're all great. keep up the good work. :)
Anyways I hope you have a good day,
Take Care,
xxxxx
I have to agree with the two people above me. You wrote my thoughts almost word for word. And while I know that me telling you that doesn't answer any of the questions, I am hoping that maybe it helps you know that your ideas and thoughts aren't strange at all...especially to me. Take care chicky!
Hi there,
I watch your videos and keep track of your blog and just want to say that's it's really good that you decided to release your thoughts on paper. I know it does not make things any clearer for you now, but the fact that you described how you really feel is a step forward.
I can understand how you feel about wanting your body to reflect your pain, because you express it by controlling your body.
Eating disorders are not about food and not even about the desperate desire to be thin, it's about using your body to represent your inner thoughts. This dangerous form of expression is reflecting other problems, and food is merely the symptom of those problems. The tricky part of it is discovering what the core problem is, and unfortunately not many of us can identify it and sometimes just can't face with it.
It takes time and effort, just as it took time and effort to get to where you are right now.
Hoping you see a positive meaning behind those thoughts.
Take Care,
"fionaolia"
I'm not meaning to leave this all anonymously, I just don't have a blog here. I've been following your YouTube vids for awhile.
As everyone has said I feel like this is something I could have written, but something I could have written about 2 years ago.
I was struck by the "pain" you talk about wanting others to see. What is it? For me it was always just some vague sense of not being good enough, of working my ass off day after day only to continually fall short of what I had built up in my mind to be perfection. I think identifying what it is that you are so hurt about is important. For me, it came down to never feeling good enough internally, but externally everyone thought I was doing great (good grades, etc...) and it just created this horrible tension between how I felt and how people perceived me to be. It was like being split in two. It was always like, "if people could just see the bulimia then they'd know that I'm really not so perfect." I was looking for a way to be imperfect because I always felt so imperfect. It was the perfect escape from my perfect life.
Part of my bulimia always thrived on the secrecy. It was screaming "fuck you" without ever saying a word. I found a lot of power in giving myself permission to just speak those words.
I don't know if that gives you any insight. It is so frustrating looking for the "why," and ultimately it doesn't really matter. I think looking into the why you feel like you need the bulimia is a good place to start. I think if you can really crawl down into that you can start working through it and perhaps you'll find you no longer "need" the bulimia.
I hope this helps and I haven't just been rambling on. You always provide great insights in your videos so I'm hoping this might return the favor.
u make me cry u know.... its like wat u write about urself is about me 2.... i want to sleep forever to shut the mind down.. how i dunno?
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